Friday, 25 July 2008

The Stand In

It was a beautiful winter's day today, though I stayed indoors for most of it. It is hard to remain hidden when you have bright red hair, so I used the excuse of having a lot of work to do, which I do, and stayed inside to do it.

Everybody needs to not be found or seen some days and today I had a day like that. I feel like I'm cocooning and will emerge from this headspace afresh, though into what has not yet been revealed to me.

A few weeks ago, PJ read a chapter from his new book at Collected Works. The reading was for the launch of a website that features some of his work. He is sometimes a nervous public speaker and on this particular night, decided to include his nervousness into his performance. He asked for a member of the audience to join him. J-Dog, my sister E's boyfriend, who is an actor, volunteered.

He was asked to stand in front of everyone and read silently to himself a chapter from PJ's book. Taking the spotlight off himself, PJ sat amongst the audience and confidently read the same chapter aloud.

I wish I could have done that today. 

When I ventured outside to get a coffee this morning, I walked down a series of stairs and I remember thinking to myself, if I were a stuntwoman, I would throw myself down stairs all the time in public, and then pick myself up at the end and carry on as usual, just for the fun of it.

Wouldn't that be great? Though thinking about it now, perhaps my little fantasy reveals more about my wish for a stand in, than for my desire to live recklessly.

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